Advice from a feline diva princess

Because I am purr-fect and this has never happened to me, I had to go to my sources to help answer this common cat question that Kozmo the Norwegian Forest Cat from New Orleans sent to me. He writes:

Dear Mia:

Sometimes when I try to jump up onto the kitchen counter, the dining room table, or other high places, I don’t quite make it and fall spastically to the floor, which causes my humans to laugh at me, which I really don’t like. I also accidentally fall off the bed and other random places and even crash into walls and doors when I decide to run full speed ahead for no apparent reason whatsoever out of thin air. I can’t seem to stop myself from this happening and I really don’t like my humans having the upper paw over me. What do you do when this happens to you?Dear Kozmo:

As I previously mentioned, I DON’T do these kinds of awkward things because I can control myself and because I am pur-fect. However, I do know unequivocally, without any hesitation whatsoever, that it is IMPERIATIVE you take control of the clearly embarrassing situation and put your human in place immediately, making them appear the clumsy idiot for laughing at you when it is COMPLETELY OBVIOUS that you MEANT to purposely miss the shelf you were attempting to jump up to and you WANTED to contort your body in an unnatural manner and fall to the floor.

Taking the cue from my Mama Zoey who is really athletic and is always running and  jumping all over the place and has actually had one or two “incidents” of her own, she recommends you employ the haughty attitude of, “Yeah, I fell. So what. I meant to do it on purpose and I will do it again, so who looks like the fool now… huh?” The trick to this, is to maintain this superior air of authority and take charge attitude while at the same time, daintily licking your paws, instantly after you have fallen or crashed into a wall, as if you have been grooming yourself all along, even while falling in midair. By appearing both innocent and superior at the same time, your human is forced to retract his/her laugh because clearly you know what you’re doing.

Now, mind you, this technique can take time and not all cats have perfected it. For example, even though I love my Papa Zee more than anything in the whole world, he is actually quite goofy and clumsy and has nowhere near the grace or quick reflexes of my Mama. When he “accidentally” falls, it startles him so much that he is completely un-nerved and doesn’t know what to do. Sometimes I even want to laugh, but I don’t because that would just be mean.

I recommend you practice this falling and grooming technique when your humans are not around and I am confident you too, can be just as skilled as my Mama as you continue to rule the land of your household.

Hope this works for you. Keep in touch.

Meows,

Mia