TO:          The Cats – Jazz, Harley, Zee, Zoey, Mia, Peanut and Rolz 

FROM:    The Residing Human Tenants 

DATE:     February 26, 2011

REF:       Getting Under Foot

Dear Cats:

It’s your human tenants here (i.e., slaves) who just have the tiniest, itsy bitsy request of a favor from you, if you don’t mind. When we come in from outdoors – whether it be after a long and grueling day at work, or a quick trip to the grocery store – can you please refrain from standing by, and blocking the other side of the door, waiting for us to open it, rendering it virtually IMPOSSIBLE to get in the house without either worrying about one of you escaping to the outdoors, or stepping on you.

We do understand and aprreciate that you are hungry and are excited to see us, but  we generally have our hands full – things such as a purse, briefcase, lunchbox, or heavy bags of groceries (yes, including cat food and cat paraphernalia) and it is very difficult to walk in an uninterrupted and safe manner without the possibility of tripping because of you swarming us and walking under foot. Perhaps you could just walk in a safe distance ahead of us, or maybe you could walk to the side of us, or even behind us. It really serves no useful purpose whatsoever having you directly in the path of our feet, unless it is your intent to have one of us trip and fall. We really don’t get to the kitchen any quicker to feed you by this congested traffic pattern of cats. And to be fair, collectively there are seven of you – that’s twenty-eight paws in total that our four legs have to contend with.

And since we’re on the subject, if you don’t mind as well, maybe you could NOT walk underfoot first thing in the morning when we wake up. We are already groggy, have had no coffee, and it is dark. Stepping on each and every one of you as we make our way to either the bathroom or kitchen is a bit hazardous. You know we get out of bed every morning at the same time – how about you just wait for us in the kitchen to feed you instead of getting underfoot and causing us to lose balance as we try to walk? Do you really enjoy having us step on your tail? Your meows of pain would suggest otherwise. It’s just a thought, but how about we try it as an experiment one morning to see how it goes? And really, we don’t want to have to resort to such strong measures, but we will retain a lawyer and file a suit with you if one of us does slip and fall. Since we manage the bookkeeping here and you don’t, we know you don’t carry cat liability insurance and could not possibly afford to be sued. Just something to keep in mind…

Anyhow, we thank you for your time and consideration of this very serious matter. As always, we remain ever steady servants to your every whim and desire and bow to your obvious superiority. We also want to thank you for letting us share space with you in our own home that we pay for. We also continue to gladly pay for your food, vet trips, endless toys, as well as to supply you with unlimited love and to spoil you from sun up to sun down, even while you get underfoot. 

Regards,

Dan and Deb / Your Humans