Cats and the Grieving Process – Reconciling the Loss of Harley and a Special Visit from Mr. Jazz
There is no doubt the loss of a pet is heartbreaking under any circumstances, but when the loss of a pet comes without warning, the grieving process is unspeakably difficult to convey and bear. Unlike with Mr. Jazz whereby Dan and I were given precious months to say goodbye to him and prepare ourselves for the inevitable, when it came to crossing Harley to the Bridge last week, we were given but a few brief minutes. It was not a beautiful Hallmark moment and there was no pretty pink bow to tie up the loose ends in a poignant and touching package so that we could put our minds at ease as we remembered her.
Losing her has left me detached from life as I struggle to come to grips with the reality of the situation yet the world continues around me with alarming regularity. TV commercials blare at me with obscene loudness, screaming at me to buy inane products that I have no use for. I go to work to listen to co-workers argue about things that are so petty that it makes my head spin and when I drive home, the radio jars my nerves with an inspid song with the vapid lyrics “I like it better when we’re wasted.” I know I sound angry and I am sorry if it brings any of you down, but I don’t have an off button for my pain – writing is just my way of sorting through it all and I am certain many of you can relate to my feelings.
The hardest part is trying to be normal – I see Harley everywhere. Not in the spiritual sense like I do with Jazz, but through the imagery of my mind. I can’t let her go and she haunts my every waking moment. I know it is psychological – I am clearly in denial and until I make peace with her crossing, I am my own worst enemy. But right now that’s how it is – I have received sympathy cards that I can’t open yet, I have emails that people have been kind enough to send me that I can barely respond to, and Harley’s ashes that Dan picked up a few days ago sit next to Mr. Jazz in a pretty and functional box that I can’t even look at right now.
I see Harley everywhere I look and just can’t believe she is gone…
I will say that in the midst of my internal conflict that my cats have been my greatest medicine. They know something has happened and I am certain they are grieving along with Dan and I. Harley’s last moment in our house was in my office – a sharp pain I must relive every time I walk into that room. Zee, Kizmet, Rolz, and Peanut have become diligent soldiers – they have been laying on the rug that is in my office for days now, only a few feet from where Harley had her seizure, as if to help support me and pay respect to her. It is not necessarily unusual for them to be in my office, but all of them together on the floor like that is.
This photo was taken several years ago – as you can see, it’s not unusual for me to have company in my office…
They sense that our house is cloaked with a veil of sadness and despair – I know it is not good for them to see Dan and I so sad – we are trying our very best to be upbeat with them and give them as much loving and reassurance as we can that everything will be okay. It should not be their burden to take care of us and so grooming, meals, snacks, and playtime – all of it continues with regularity so as not to upset their equilibrium too much, but they are just so intuitive and intelligent. And the truth is, they love Dan and I so very much and they don’t like to see us hurting.
I was told this in no uncertain terms by Kizmet the other night. We were on the couch watching TV – Jazmine was amusing herself with a DaBird toy that she had dismembered and the rest of the gang was hanging out within eye range. Out of the blue, Kizmet bounded onto the couch – I was lying on my side with my head on a pillow. He came up to me with complete intention – pressing his nose firmly into mine to tell me he was there for me and that he understood my grief. He then tucked himself into the bend of my belly as closely as he could so that I could wrap my arm around him and cradle him. He stayed with me for several minutes and it was truly a blessed and profound gesture of love and caring from him.
I took this photo of Kizmet while I was putting this post together… he is in the office with me, just a couple feet away from where Harley was as she had her seizure. As I I said, he has been such an incredible source of comfort to me and has stuck to me like glue to make sure I am okay…
His love has helped me immensely as have the words of guidance from you all – many of you are telling me to be kind and gentle to myself and I appreciate the message. I am trying, but right now smiles, laughter, and allowing myself to feel happy seem all but impossible and almost a betrayal to Harley’s memory if I give in to feeling some sort of happiness. Right now I question it all – I want to desperately believe there is a better place – that Harley truly is celebrating in a Rainbow Bridge filled with her old pals and that it is peaceful and beautiful. I really don’t know, but without that reassurance, what do we have?
As if to answer my question, I got the most amazing visit last Saturday (the day I shared the news of Harley’s passing). I woke up to find one of our dresser drawers opened – I didn’t think too much of it – Rolz can open drawers and Mr. Jazz used to do it all the time. But the thing is, it was the drawer next to my bed – almost like Mr. Jazz was back to tell me something. I had told you all before that I have seen Jazz in spirit form on occasion – the last time I saw him was in March before we got Jazmine and I figured he had finally crossed fully to the Bridge after that.
I got up to take a shower and when I was done, Mr. Jazz was waiting for me in the bedroom – in the exact spot where Harley had laid with him the last night he was with us before he died. He looked at me for several moments, locking his eyes with mine, and I am positive he told me that Harley had arrived and was safely with him. When the time is right, I will accept the fact she is no longer coming back, but until then, I thank my beautiful Jazz for taking her under his wise and gentle angel wings. Her memory remains etched in my heart and I pray she is at peace.
This was the look I got from Mr. Jazz as he told me Harley was with him…
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine how tough this is. I wish I had some wise or comforting words right now. I am pretty sure, though, that Harley would not want you to be so sad. I know that she loves you and wants you to be happy. It is clear that you love her very much, and I’m sure she knows and feels your love.
::hugs::
Thank you Fur Everywhere… yes, she clearly was loved and I think you are right – I am sure she does not want me to be sad… I’m working on it and thankfully my other furbabies are helping me with the process.
Oh sweet Deb…I can absolutely feel your pain and I know that you already KNOW the things that I have to say…but I want you to know that I care and will share anyway. There is no time frame on grief and we all grieve in our own way…it’s okay. You use the word “normal”. What IS “normal“???
This is how we lost our Max, it is still something that I do not speak of often because he was so young, seemingly healthy and it was so unexpected ….and painful. I do understand your pain, it’s okay and I’m so very sorry! I pray for comfort and healing for you, for Dan and for the kitties.
Toni – I am sorry to hear that is how you lost your precious Max. I appreciate your prayers and thank you for your kindness and friendship.
Kitties are pretty amazing, even after we depart. We are glad that Jazz came to drop off the most important message to you. Hugs from all of us.
You sure are right Brian… you kitties really are amazing!!!!
Of course they feel the losses, and they are there for you every moment in both physical and spiritual sense even when you’re not grieving, and you are so fortunate to be able to recognize these visits. As is said, you don’t see the stars until darkness falls, and often we don’t notice what our companions do for us until we are in the depths of some despair and they come along to lift us out.
How well I remember that sense of the idiocy of everyday life around me in the midst of grief. I’m so glad you and Dan have each other as well as your feline family. Take the time you need.
Bernadette – You are right, I am fortunate to recognize these visits. I have wondered of late if other pets of mine had visited, but becasue I was not in tune with my life as I am now, that I didn’t see them. Thank you for your kindess and I know you understand all too well what I am going through.
Deb I am walking this exact same journey. I feel each of your words and how the weight of it all is heavy on your heart, soul and mind. There are no answers. That is my conclusion after 327 of my loss of my beloved other half (and I do believe she was half of my heart) Abby and then six months later unexpectedly losing our youngest cat Gracie. I still struggle. I still look for answers. I am still waiting and I’m finally come to the conclusion I will have to wait until I am able to hold her again. I had a Reading with Abby last December and it was very reassuring. I do not know if you believe in this or not, but if you do, when your heart is ready I highly encourage it. It goes a long way to help ease the sorrow. Like you I do struggle too with everyday life and all the banality of it. I hope this comment does not add to your pain, I just wanted you to know I fully understand where you are in your feelings, and also to say how very sorry I am for the sadness and the loss of your beloved Harley.
Angel AbbyGrace –
Thank you for your comment – it did not add to my pain. Quite the contrary – if there is one thing I want this blog to be, is a place where people can feel safe and comfortable to express their own feelings. My belief is that if I am experiencing something, chances are good so are many other people and that is why I tend to open my heart in such an honest and forthright fashion. My writing is not only an outlet for me to express my feelings, but it also offers an outlet for people to share theirs as well – I think it helps to mend a broken heart by sharing similar experiences and I am equally sorry for the loss of your beloved Abby and Gracie.
What a beautiful message for Mr. Jazz to deliver to you, Deb. Thinking of you as you miss your beloved Harley.
Thank you meowmeowmans… It seems I can always count on Mr. Jazz to be there when I need him most…
Absolutely, the other cats feel the loss and they are grieving too. I had two ponies that lived together for 14 years and one had to go to the bridge and the other pony never did get over her companion being gone. It is very hard to deal with the loss of an animal. And cats and dogs do make fantastic companions during a time like this.
Just remember all the good times and know that Harley is running free.
Such a touching comment Marg – horses are so intelligent and I can only imagine how hard it was when one of your ponies had to cross to the bridge before the other. Thank you for your sympathies.
There is no timeline or expectations on how we grieve. Harley was beloved and that loss will always be profound…expected or sudden. We are sending yoh gentle purrs…
Thank you for the purrs Random Felines…
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Deb. Grief does as it will, and you can’t put a timeline on it or say “OK, It’s been long enough, I’m over it now!” It just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, all we can do when we are grieving is hang onto the knowledge that grief does soften in time. I always use the analogy of a rock in the river. The sharp edges wear down so that in time, you can pick it up without the corners biting your fingers. Not all rocks wear down at the same rate, just as some losses are more immediately painful for longer, but you’ll be able to remember the happy things and not just the terrible ones that seem so overwhelming right now. But for now, you and Dan both be kind to yourselves. I’m sending love and hugs to you both.
Thank you Sometimes, Cats Herd You – that is a beautiful analogy and I appreicate the sentiment very much.
The cats too are grieving and trying to console you. This same thing has happened in my house every time I lose one of my cats. When I lost my 19year old Delilah two years ago, I saw her in her favorite spot on the patio and heard her running down the hall. I am so sad for all of you. Time will help to heal, but you will always miss every one you have lost. Grief is the price we pay for love.
Thank you so much for your condolences Rosemary and I am happy to hear that your Delilah was able to visit you.
Our cats… our wonderful soul companions. Deb, your story refreshed some grief about losses I’ve had, but it also brought me comfort, confirmation and reassurance about my spirit companions. You and all the sweet people who wrote here and know the truth of what you say have a deep connection.
Love is forever. Hugs to all of you. And lots of love to our wee Friends. Thank you, Deb.
Deborah – I’ve always appreciated your support and thank you for stopping by to comment today. I am blessed to be surrounded by such a great community of animal lovers and am happy to include you amoung them!
I understand this traumatic experience completely,I lost my first Bunny Caramel in exactly the same way,I had just put him back in is pen when we heard this noise and kicking sound I rushed back in to see that he was having a seizure,he had be on meds for 12 month to control this as he had been having small ones,but this was different it was longer eventually it seemed to stop so I picked up and brought him back in our bedroom again to cuddle him so he would feel reasured as soon as I sat in bed it started again not so long this time it stopped and he looked up as if wondering what was going on and then he had another ,hubby called the vet in the time it took to speak to the vet Caramel had gone through this 4 more times,we took hin in to the vet where the vet gave him a traquilizer the idea was to sedate the brain so it could reset it would work all not.all night we we up giving him water and critical care with a syringe but he kept having the seizures in the morning I had to take him back to the vet on my own as hubby had to work.the whole time Caramel was fighting to stay but I knew it was no good so I held him in my arms while the vet gave the injection to cross over and even then he was still fighting to stay it took 3 injections in the end and a piece of me died and crossed with him that day.I have never really gotten over him I have just learned to live with it and having another Bunny help to heal my broken heart,but I will always miss him,I just wanted you to know everything so that you know that you and Dan are not alone,that some of us have been through excactly the same thing,we are all with you both,best wishes and love,xx Rachel and Speedy
Oh Rachel and Speedy – my heart just aches for you as you relive the loss of your beloved Caramel and the tears flow as I type. I feel your pain to the depths of my soul and I thank you so very much for your kindness and support. xoxo
Deb, what a wonderful expression of your pain, your other cats’ pain, the extreme loss and uncertainty of her passing; I could feel your pain through your words and pictures. I send my prayers, thoughts and empathy to you, Dan and your family. I pray you find peace very soon – you and your family will know when the time is right. No need to rush it; you all need this time. When I visit your home via your blogs, I feel such warmth and joy with all of your cats; I only have Angel (my 13-year old himalyan and used to be able to cuddle with her, etc. and in Oct. of 2009 when I got Bella (my miniature yorkie), her life changed. If you remember, Angel has been very, very sick. I just got a call from her vet and he went through all of her blood results and based on them, he believes it is just anxiety and stress (from Bella) and I don’t know what to do. I have been separating them since Angel got sick, but I don’t have that big of space to have Angel have her own space. One bedroom is for extra stuff but has Angel’s potty and her pad where she eats her hard food and water. However, for the past couple of weeks, I have been feeding her soft food periodically during the day and she loves to have it in the middle of my bed. She has just started sleeping on the blanket on the bed the past couple of days and coming back to me……..I have my Angel back, Praise God, but I have to do something with Bella. She is anti-social because of my physical problems (awaiting back surgery – bad knees, ankles and feet, fighting crooked work comp system, has been 10 years) so I am pretty limited on what all I can do. At the end of my bed is Bella’s crate (which they use to get up on my tall bed). I have been working hard with Bella the past few weeks at barking, makes me yell/talk gentle, she has been doing well, but she is very friendly and thinks when she sees someone she wants them to say hello and barks or death-curdling barks at outside cats, dogs, squirrels, rabbits, or children. I hate the yelling or scolding I have to do but the only thing that seems to work is putting her in her crate for a timeout so a minute ago, I put her crate out of my bedroom into the bathroom. Maybe I will have to keep it this way because the vet says I HAVE to give Angel her own space. I love both my girls and can’t imagine being with out either one of this. I did not mean to deflect away from you or your situation – I was just getting to explaining my deep love for them and your feelings for your cats; it is deep.
Be gentle on yourself, give your kitties extra lovins, tell them its okay, you miss her too, feel your blessings that you received knowing and caring and receiving love from her. Be gentle, you deserve it, Dan deserves it and your other cats deserve it. What a great loss!! God Bless You for all you do for cats, for us readers (me). and your giving of yourself. Love you all!!!!! Rest in peace Harley……meow….
Dianna – thank you for your friendship and concern. I am happy you feel like you are part of our family – that’s how I want my readers to feel and it means the world to me. I am glad Angel is starting to do better. Do you have a high space for her to feel like she has control of her our privacy and territory if she needs it? Sometimes a well placed shelf on the wall or a cat condo with towers works wonders if you are able to do that for her.
We can feel your pain, we’re so sorry for the sudden loss of Harley. Everyone grieves in his own way, kitties as beans. We send you comforting purrs. Purrs
Thank you so much for the comforting purrs Swiss Cats.
Wish that there were words to make you feel better. It’s never easy losing one of our loved ones, and to lose someone so suddenly is devastating. Sending prayers and comforting thoughts your way.
Theresa and Prudence – there is no magical way to make the pain go away, but having your comforting words truly do help.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had some comforting words. Sending hugs and purrs.
Charlie,Cashew,Garfield,Tubby,Hope
xoxoxo
Thank you Sue – you have always been so kind and supportive and I appreciate it very much.
Animals do sense our emotions and try to console us. Grief is so hard to deal with when it’s fresh. So sorry Harley had to leave for the bridge. 🙁
Thank you for your sympathies jansfunnyfarm.
This kind of raw honesty about the Harley-shaped holes left in all of your hearts is just one of many reasons for your Petties nomination. Rarely can one express anothers’ grief so succinctly.
Meanwhile this is the perfect way to help the others deal with it – by allowing each to handle it in their own time and their own way.
Small consolation, granted, but we take what we can where we find it. Goid job, Cat mom.
~Vicat
Thank you Vicat – while I am deep in the throes of mourning, I appreciate your support and message. It helps reassure me that the story I am writing about my experience of having to cross Mr. Jazz to the bridge will be such an important book to help others process their own grief at the loss of a pet. I had initially thought I knew the ending to the book, but losing Harley unexpected has changed my perspective, making the book even more relevant and important.
Thank you also for supporting me with the Petties.
Cats grieve for sure. Nicky didn’t even like Autumn but followed her to the RB less than two weeks later from lonliness. The same happened with Wendell and Rusty; one passed and the other quickly followed to meet his furrend. Cats grieve humans when they pass too. They need closure just like humans. That’s why Autumn cired out loudly to tell us Mom had passed and she wouldn’t leave the body. We grieve and life goes on. So sorry for your loss.
CK – the relationship your cats have shared is amazing and you are right, they need to grieve and find closure just like humans do.
I have been struggling with a manner in which to write about the tragic loss of life at the feline rescue/shelter where we volunteer…and from whom we were blessed to have found Savannah and now The Kid Sage. This kitty was very special and in residence back when we found Savannah. She was adopted months after Savvy…and Peter and I rejoiced as we so loved her. She was returned two years later…mid June 2014. She was PTS about 3 weeks after being returned. We know why, what happened…and yet the rescue organization has covered it up…we were the people who took her to the vet…and held her….and left her thinking they would call. Never, and then she was gone. I cannot let her go. So much learning to be had from how she died once returned to this rescue…so much learning for small cat shelters, with 98% volunteers, and free roaming….Deb, you may have given me the voice I need to finally write a memorial for Juanita. I have been grieving since June 7…and trying to find my voice, or her voice…to write a memorial for her. I will use my voice, thank you for this post. Maybe I will now find my way to some peace…mayber
Linda (aka Savannah’s Paw Tracks) when the time is right, you will find your voice and write the memorial that is so important to you. I am glad to know that in some small way I have been able to pave a path that brings you closer to finding some inner peace. No loss is easy, but a tragic loss is just so very hard to reconcile and requires an inner strength that seems all but impossible to find. I will be thinking of you and wish you well on your journey…