A Tribute to Mr. Jazz – The Dignity of Life and Death and Finding the Beauty in Letting Go
The thing with inevitability is that no matter how many wishes upon a star, you cannot stop what is meant to be and I now find myself, a born writer, in stunned silence with no words to adequately convey both the crushing loss, yet the sobering relief of letting my beloved Mr. Jazz finally pass to his place on the Rainbow Bridge this past Wednesday.
On the surface you might not even know it, but upon closer inspection, every nook and cranny looks like a cat infirmary. Pill bottles, syringes, pee pads, disinfecting wash, special cat foods, pain medication, blankets in every corner, and more. But, the fact is, after a litany of blood tests, x-rays and endless examinations with no conclusive evidence in sight, and despite the mountains of cat paraphernalia dedicated to prolonging the life of our beautiful 15 year old boy, Mr. Jazz, he was dying.
We, of course, did not immediately know this and made it our mission, as if somehow our love and perseverance could will him back to his original healthy body weight and his younger days of life. We ran the gamut to assist – regular injections of fluids in his body, pills to stimulate his appetite, and, of course, my desperate and obsessive effort to find something to entice him to eat such as baby food, chicken broth, liver, cheese, specialty cat milks, turkey breast, tuna, and every and any brand of cat food on the market. He wanted none of it, to the point he was losing weight at such alarming levels that we were forced to bring him back to the vet to be taught how to force feed him with a syringe to bulk up his weight.
This photo was taken several years ago and even in his younger days, Jazz always had a dignified air about him.
You would think that one frail cat versus one very stubborn and determined human would be an easy victory for the human, but that was hardly the case. Jazz became completely angry, depressed, and so desperate to get away from me that he would run and hide every time he saw me. I remained diligent and did my best to nourish him, but the eating victories were few and far between. This battle went on for weeks until one morning when I was getting ready for work and noticed a big bubble protruding from his throat. I woke Dan up in a complete panic, certain my time with Jazz would be reduced to minutes and we rushed him to the vet. She calmly drained the protrusion and broke the news to Dan and I, “You will need to make a decision very soon, as we don’t want to see a cat needlessly suffering.”
Dan and I brought Jazz home and made a promise to one another – above all else, and despite how hard the decision would be, Jazz deserved his dignity and we were not going to subject him to further tests, tubes, pills, syringes, or anything else. We were going love him as much as we could and enjoy whatever time with him we would be blessed to have. That being said, it was like a mini-miracle was given to us. Jazz seemed to intuitively know it was up to him and he began to eat on his own to the point he was asking for “snacks” all day and night long which we happily obliged and let’s just say that I was “cautiously overjoyed.”
While always beautiful to me, you can see the effects of age and illness on Jazz in this picture that was taken last month.
We were given three more glorious months with Jazz who also seemed to sense the finality of time. He would drape his body on mine like days of old when we were on the couch and give me a bear hug as if to reassure me that he knew every day he had with us was a precious gift on loan. Dan and I lavished him with kind words, love, and extra petting and for a brief moment, time just stood still for us all. That was, until last week when everything began to change and we knew it was over. Jazz became incontinent and would take to slumbering for extended periods of time in very odd places. He was having trouble walking and took what would be his last bite of solid food and no amount of pleading, begging, crying, or cajoling would get him to eat. He began to nest and I knew he was trying to find a final resting place.
I put comfortable blankets all over the house for him to lie on – jumping on the couch or bed was no longer an option and I spent the entire week by his side at night, petting him for hours, until I knew he wanted me to leave so he could wander off without me watching him find a place to sleep through the night. He sensed that our time together at night was important and so did Harley. One night was especially difficult. I knew Jazz was laboring and she came to lie on the blanket next to us. I tried to shoo her away, but she got vocally agitated with me and pressed the warm girth of her body into his. I realized she was offering him her comfort and I let her stay with us. She never once moved and I remain in awe of her compassion towards him. Actually, all of the cats have been extraordinarily in tune with the emotion of the house and I don’t know what I would have done without all of their support.
On Tuesday night, I went to bed paralyzed with fear as to what I would find in the morning. Jazz was more restless than usual and he did not want me by his side for long. While it pained me immensely, I allowed myself to leave him be and respected his instinct to be alone. When I got up to go to bed, Harley was again by his side. When I woke up early Wednesday morning, I instantly looked for him and could not find him. I searched for over an hour and finally woke Dan to help me. He found Jazz under the TV stand and he hugged me and with a heavy heart told me Jazz was no longer in pain and was gone.
As Dan and I held one another, Peanut was on the floor, looking at the spot where Jazz was, imploring Dan to look again. He then told me, “Deb, Jazz is still with us.” He was barely breathing and could not lift his head. We had prayed he would pass peacefully in the night, but for whatever reason, we were given the precious gift of being able to share his final moments with us. Dan picked Jazz up and put him on a towel and brought him into the guest bedroom where I laid down next to him on the bed. I grabbed a blanket and wrapped myself around him to offer soothing words of love and comfort and pet his head as gently as I could. Kizmet and Harley lay at my feet and all of us spent the entire morning with Jazz. We did not move an inch until it was time to go. Dan had made the appointment for the afternoon – we knew the final gift we had to give Jazz was finding the grace, beauty, and dignity of letting him go.
Perhaps one of the most poignant, bittersweet, and meaningful pictures I will ever have. This is me in my final moments with Jazz as I am surrounded by Kizmet and Harley who seem to intuitively sense the passing of life.
At Dan’s suggestion, we placed Jazz in a beautiful wicker basket to carry him to the vet. It fit his body perfectly and he looked so peaceful resting in it. Once we got there, our vet talked to us for a few minutes and then she dimmed the lights. It was actually quite beautiful and serene. Dan and I held one another as we comforted Jazz in his final minutes and we left with the knowledge that he was so very loved and cherished and that he did not have to suffer any more. It obviously hurts deeply that we had to make that choice, but we knew it was the right one because when it comes to a pet, despite the wish to never have to let them physically go, one has to be gently reminded it is about the quality of their life, not the quantity of years that it needs to be measured by.
And even with the remaining gang of seven – Zee, Zoey, Mia, Peanut, Harley, Rolz, and Kizmet – there is still the loneliness of not having the eight. I will miss him so much – he was a part of my life for as long as I can remember and was one of the kindest, sweet tempered and docile cats I have ever known. Never once did he start a fight with the other cats or cause any trouble. He was not a cat prone to jumping on the counter, nor did he break things. He did not play with DaBird or laser pens. He was a lover, pure and simple, and the greatest joy he ever got was those blessed moments when he could drape his body over mine and give me a big ole bear hug with his beautiful, fluffy paws.
Rest in peace my darling boy… we love you so much…
What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful friend. Jazz was very special and loved by all. Take comfort in knowing we are all thinking about you and your family during this time.
Thank you for your comfort and support, Kathryn.
My heart aches for your loss….truly….your last days and hours and minutes with your boy were just what you and he needed….peaceful and loving. I know the day will come when I will face this with my Sammy who is now 13 and I can only hope and pray I can handle the whole thing as gracefully as you did…….
Hugs of sympathy…….Pam
Thank you Pam. I pray Sammy continues to have a long and healthy life. All you can do in the meantime is love every day you have with him.
My heart goes out to you as you mourn your beautiful boy, Deb. Your post so perfectly captures how the end of life with a special cat is both gut-wrenchingly difficult, but also a great gift. The grace with which you live your life served you well as you spent those final months, weeks, and days with Mr. Jazz. You’re in my thoughts.
Thank you Ingrid – I know you understand firsthand my pain and I hope I did right by him. I felt our last moments were a gift and I will forever treasure the time I had with him.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jazz. I cried as I read your poignant account of your last days with him. The grief you feel can be overwhelming. In the last 5 years I have lost two cats to cancer and one (age 19) to kidney failure. My last days with them were very similar to yours with Jazz. You gave him the very best life that a cat could have, and he will always be in your heart. No matter how many cats you have, there is a big empty space that no other cat will ever fill. As time passes, however, the memories of your special relationship will comfort you and make you smile.
Thank you Rosemary – I am sorry for the loss of your two cats and know you understand the pain and heartache I went through. I appreciate your kindness and sentiments…
Beautiful, but difficult to read. I’m so sorry about sweet Jazz.
Brooke – it was very difficult for me to write and I am not certain I will ever be fully satisfied with what I said. Thank you for your condolences.
Oh Deb I am so deeply sorry. I was in shock when I saw this. Precious Jazz, will always be with you. I read Ingrid’s comment and she stated my feelings far more eloquently than I could. I am a firm believer in preserving their dignity and I did much the same with my Bobo as well. They know when it is “time”, we just have to give them permission to do so. How blessed Jazz was to have you and Dad as kitty parents, and how blessed YOU both were to have had Jazz. Sending you much love during this most difficult time. May you be bathed in the warmth of his spirit.
Thank you Caren – your comment has touched me deeply, as I know how much you loved dear Bobo and you understand the difficulty of what I had to do in order to give Jazz his dignity. xoxox
That was such a lovely tribute to Jazz. He was such a handsome boy. It is so hard to lose our fur friends but just know that he is playing like a kitten now. Take care.
Marg – thank you for your kind words – I do hope he is playing like a kitten again – that is a lovely image!
A lovely tribute to Jazz. He was loved and had a good life, but it is always so hard to to let them go.
Thank you Jan – he really was well loved and it is never easy to say goodbye, not even when you know their time is near…
Dear Deb, Dan and all Jazz’s meowmates, Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Mom is sitting and crying as if she had just lost one of us. She knows this ending time so well and how you wanted to hold on to every moment possible with Jazz. Mom feels so fortunate that none of our angels had to be euthanized but all went on their own time schedule without suffering. Some were sudden and unexpected, and those were the hardest. We know your heart is breaking and all of you, including the kitties, are grieving. Mom says she knows you wouldn’t love your babies any less even if it made their passing easier on you. The moment we bring one of these wonderful animals into our lives, the countdown begins for when we will have to let them go. Fortunately, our minds and hearts never consider that until the inevitable faces us square on. Mom is grieving with you and will keep you in her heart and prayers as you all learn to live without Jazz’s physical presence. May Jazz rest in peace at the RB until you are together again. With love, hugs and purrs, Janet and Kitties Blue
Kitties Blue – your comments and support are so overwhelming at the moment and I truly appreciate the sentiment – you have expressed the love we all feel for our beloved pets so well and I could not possibly express myself any better. Thank you so much… xoxoxo
Thanks for sharing the story of his health issues the last few months. We also went thru the not eating with our last cat that passed. You try everything to get them to eat and medically intervene but we have to remember that sometimes it is best to let nature take its course. As you said after you stopped forcing everything on Jazz he relaxed and started eating again. Glad you had the special time with Mr Jazz and what a beautiful tribute you wrote for him.
Deb – yes, as a desperate measure, I did try to force him to eat again last week and immediately regretted it. He was so visibly agitated and then he threw up… it was then that I truly knew I had to respect nature and step away to give him his dignity. Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry at the loss of your last cat who passed.
What a beautiful and moving tribute to your beautiful Jazz. How lucky he was to have had such a wonderful, loving family to share his life with.
Thank you Stephanie – I know you are feeling your own loss and it means a lot to me that you stopped by to offer your support and comfort to us.
{{{HUGS}}}
Thank you for the hugs, Kathy!
A beautiful tribute, Deb. So sorry for your loss, but at least now Mr. Jazz is free of pain and discomfort. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers, Beverly. I truly appreciate knowing you are thinking of us today.
A wonderful tribute to such a special member of your family. Sending love and condolences from all of us at Purrchance To Dream.
Mo and the Purries – thank you so much for your love and condolences.
We are so sorry for your loss of sweet Mr. Jazz. Such a beautiful tribute to him. (((hugs))) to all of you.
Thank you for your kindness and hugs, Laila and Minchie.
Such a beautiful tribute to Mr Jazz and poignant story of his last days with you. All of us who love our animals have been through this at least once if not more. My heart breaks at your loss but know that Mr Jazz is healthy, young and happy on the other side, waiting for you to join him. Until then he is your angel watching over you. With deepest sympathy,
Thank you so much for your touching and heartfelt comment, Cats of wildcat woods. We appreciate your support so much.
What a wonderful tribute for Mr. Jazz. It is so hard to let them go. Both Willow and China Cat recently went to the Bridge (March 30th and July 30th) so I understand the cat-shaped hole that is left in your heart. Spike William is sending soft purrs to all of you and my prayers are with you.
Spike William, Angel China Cat, Angel Willow and Mom Teri
Spike William and Angels China Cat and Willow – thank you for your inspirational words. We are sorry to hear that Willow and China Cat had to go to the Bridge recently, but we are reassured Jazz will have so many kitty friends to make him feel welcome.
I am truly sorry and I have tears flowing reading this beautiful tribute to your precious Jazz. I as have most of us here have had to let go and it is so heart wrenching and your heart breaks in two.
We love them as the family they are to us..and we to them.
Till we meet again by and by. Warm loving hugs.
Katie Isabella and mom Carole
Katie Isabella – I am sorry for the tears, but that cannot be helped when we remember the loss of our own loved ones. Thank you for your warm and loving hugs.
Deb and Dan, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Jazz. I love how you memorialized him by spending final nights on the bed with him, the last moments with our animals are so precious. Although his body is gone his soul will live on forever and will take up a piece of space in all of your hearts. My thoughts are with you, Dan, and the rest of your crew. One day you see him again restored to health and vitality at the Rainbow Bridge. Much love and warm thought are being sent your way…
Thank you Liz – it gives me comfort knowing that my boy can be restored to his health and vitality and Dan and I so appreciate your kind words and love…
Dear Deb and Dan,
An amazing story of love and compassion, a life that we know is always too short, an emptiness that we feel so deeply… I am sharing in your sorrow, but knowing you were able to be there to kiss him goodbye one last time gives me pause to think of how that meant so much to me when my ‘Heart’ cat, Bo, passed. Mike woke me up in the middle of the night, saying Bo is having trouble breathing (he had HCM) and I pretty much had time to sit up, surround him in the circle of my arms, kiss his cheek and tell him it was ok to go. As Mike was getting dressed and warming up the car…Bo left his body behind as he broke his early bounds…I will miss him forever and the tears in my eyes will always return when I think of him, part sadness and part gratefulness that I was able to share part of my life with him…
Teri – what a beautiful and touching story and tribute to your Bo. While I am sorry to bring up painful memories, I know that he will forever be a part of your life and heart, as is my Jazz. Thank you for such a compelling comment.