A Footnote to Cats and How Grieving the Loss of a Pet has Changed as a Result of Social Media
No matter the day or age, this is always me. I love cats and I have always been surrounded by their love and companionship.
Since I am over 50 years old and I have been a cat lover my whole life, clearly I have had to say goodbye to many a beloved pet cat in that time-frame. It is never easy, but years ago when I was regular ole Deb Barnes, a person who was living her life that did not including blogging and social media, the grieving process was very different.
The loss would always hurt, but the pain was very private – I would typically write a special love note to the pet I lost and tuck it with them as a tribute from me to let them know how much I loved them and then the pet would be buried in the yard of wherever I was living at the time. The grieving stayed in a very limited circle – a few close family members and friends would know about the death and I would mourn in my own private world with very little fanfare.
This is my beloved Kit and for those of you that read The Chronicles of Zee & Zoey, you know that she held a very dear spot in my heart. She lived a wonderful life – 18 full years and this windowsill was her favorite spot because she loved to look outside. After she passed, we buried her in the backyard and I still go and visit with her now and then.
Now, because my life is a relative open book (something of my choosing – I am not complaining, but merely pointing out a fact) the grieving process is entirely different. My cats, just like so many other cats that are shared in the social world, have become cherished friends to a multitude of people. Because of that, when Mr. Jazz passed away last year and Harley died last month, you all felt my pain because you care about me and my feline family, and as a result, you showered me with love, support, concern, empathy, and kindness.
While I appreciate the support immensely, as it has helped my healing process and given me the resolve to go on, it also keeps the pain much more visible because social media causes me to constantly relive my loss. There is rarely a day that goes by that someone doesn’t share the news of a beloved pet crossing to the Rainbow Bridge on whatever social platform and it is impossible for me not to be overwhelmed with grief by that news – number one because I am profoundly sad on their behalf, and number two, because it brings my own pain back to the surface.
The same holds true when I write a blog post about my feline family. Because I cannot ignore the fact Jazz and Harley are no longer a part of my physical world, I am no longer able to live in my preferred world of denial… the one where Jazz and Harley really aren’t gone even though deep down I know they are. I have to face reality through my words and when I look for pictures to compliment my posts, I cannot avoid seeing dozens of pictures of them, something that I never had to deal with when I grieved years ago.
This was my first picture of Harley and I back in 2004 when I got her. I never imagined 10 years later that she would be gone…
For me, just like everything else in life, it’s a matter of readjusting my mindset to the new world we live in and I just take it one day at a time, letting my heart haphazardly lead the way. I have no guidelines as to how, why, when, or where I share my grief with you all – I just let it happen as it may. Some people share the news of a pets passing immediately, and for me, when Jazz and Harley passed, it took me several days before I could share the news publicly.
And then all the little things – you will note on my blog that I have a memorial badge prominently displayed on the right hand side in tribute to Mr. Jazz. I put it up relatively quickly after he passed, but I have not been able to do the same for Harley yet. I also have Jazz’s ashes sitting on the top shelve of our TV stand in a pretty wooden box and the same tribute picture graces that box. Harley’s ashes are next to Jazz and her box remains bare. I finally found the wherewithal last weekend to put a silk sunflower next to it, but that is the extent of it. I just can’t deal with the finality of it and the majority of the time I just ignore her box because looking at it causes me too much pain.
My beautiful Mr. Jazz… this picture memorializes the wooden box his ashes are kept in.
And even though I was able to memorialize Jazz on my blog with a badge, I could not do it anywhere else for the longest time. It took me 6 months before I could acknowledge his passing on my Facebook page for Zee and Zoey. I decided out of the blue one day that I needed to put a halo over his banner picture to signify his angel status and now, of course, I will have to do the same for Harley when I am ready. All of these little acts that might seem insignificant in the scheme of things, but they are milestone moments for me because I just can’t treat the process of my grief like something on a “to-do” check off list.
This is the banner for Zee and Zoey’s Facebook page… For the longest time I left it as it was and did not have the heart to put a halo over Jazz’s picture. Now I have to do it for Harley…
In light of all of that, I did take a major step towards healing that took me by surprise. After putting it off for ages, I finally reached out to my blog designer to update Zee and Zoey’s blog footer that was created back in September of 2010 when the blog was launched and featured my original gang of seven. A lot had changed since then and it just came to me one day that I wanted the footer to reflect my life in the present tense. So, if you will please scroll down to the bottom of the blog, you will see my beautiful feline family as it is now (if you don’t see any changes, just refresh your browser).
Harley, Jazz, Zee, Zoey, Peanut, Mia, and Rolz.
You will note that I kept the pictures of the original gang the same as they were in 2010 and then I had halos added for my precious angels, Jazz and Harley. You will also note that best buddies, Kizmet and Jazmine, are standing next to each other. This header is extremely poignant for me – despite the pain and heartache it causes me, there is also so much love and this image just reaffirms how much joy these incredible creatures have brought (and bring) to me. I still am not ready to look at it for too long as it does make me extremely emotional, but I do hope you all like it.
What about all of you – do you find you grieve differently as a result of social media than you did years ago? How do you handle it? Are you affected by seeing the loss of other pets on social venues on a regular basis? Please feel free to share your comments.
TW so far hasn’t had to deal with this, being I’m an only cat. She dreads the day and romises she will do away with all my accounts when the time comes. it must be extremely painful since we cry for cats and even woofies that we never met. In the past TW has dealt with the pain by buying a stuffies and naming it after the deceased cat so the cat will forever be with her in more than memory.
CK – having something that helps memorialize the pet can be very important to healing and a stuffed animal is a great idea! We are glad TW has not had to deal with this and wish none of us had to!
I’ve sat staring at the box for about an hour trying to come up with something to say simply because your post hit the bullseye. I’ve thought about this possibility for some time but you know what I came up with? Rather than making me feel worse or extending my grief I think this outlet helps.
Back before I got to cruising blogs and before I started a blog of my own I lost many cats. You would think that working in the veterinary profession would give me access to a lot of support but you’d be wrong. It wasn’t until the internet that I found people of like mind, with deep spiritual bonds with their cats, did I finally realize that I wasn’t alone.
Sure, it still hurts and sure, I cry every time someone online loses their own feline muse. But when I need an encouraging word you all are here – day or night!
Yes, I’ve had to step back and leave the constant reminders but I try to check in once in awhile. Like you, Deb, I sometimes can’t comment on some of these announcements but I try to whenever I can. And I agree with “momsbusy, kintaro & it” the older I get the harder it is to lose a friend. It’s an additive affect. Each loss brings back the memory of those who’ve passed before so instead of losing Lady Butterfly in December or Mewdy Blue in July or Q in February, I also felt again each of the losses before them.
So take it easy when you must but know that you have a whole community here ready and willing to help when needed. That’s exactly what I do these days 🙂
Thank you for your heartfelt commment Andrea – I feel so much that you do and find myself doing the same thing – sometimes I have to step away from it all for a while, but then when I am ready, I will come back to offer my sympathies and condolences to those that have lost a pet. I know the kindness means the world to me, so I think it is important to let our community know that we care about them and understand the pain and loss they are feeling and so I always try to comment when I can.
I agree too, that the older I get, the harder the loss is. I think in many ways, that is because the relationship I share with my cats now is so different. I have always loved all of them throughout my life, that part never changed. But now, perhaps becasue I am a writer and blogger, I find myself to be incredibly in tune with my cats now. I appreicate them on such a higher level than I did when I was younger and I am so fascinated and mesmorized by everything little thing they do.
They are such a part of my heart and soul and I know you completely understand that as do so many others in our pet loving community.
So poignant, Deb. We are devastated and heartbroken whenever we lose a fur baby, but the life and love and memories always remain in our hearts.
So very true meowmeowmans… we feel your pain and echo your sentiment.
Dear Deb, first of all… I send you hug. Sorry, me & my mom didn’t been around lately to know you have lose your love one. Like some say..
” if love could have saved you, cat
You would have lived forever ”
Purrs for your comfort
Luv
xoxo
Awww… Mr. Puddy – getting love and purrs from you is always appreciated. Thank you for your kindess and that sweet sentiment. xoxox
Deb…yes the grieving process is very different for me now than it was back.. say, 10 years
ago; and while social media has it’s faults, it’s also nice to be able to share the loss of a beloved
pet with people who truly understand…underline truly understand. In many ways it helps to
share that sorrow; even though ultimately we all handle grief in our own way and in our own time
I personally have felt the heartache of many of my “online” friends pets…I need not tell you that;
and yes truthfully some worse than others… but being able to express our true feelings amongst
friends like we all do I think helps each of us move forward, albeit slowly or not, and it’s nice to know
we dont walk the journey of pet loss….alone….
Laura
PS the new logo is awesome ♥♥♥♥♥
Laura – yes, I would have to agree. Despite the prolonged pain social media can cause, ultimatley it provides far more comfort. I cannot tell you how many people who have left comments on my blog that will be forever etched in my heart. They have helped me and I feel I have helped them as well. Having a place where people can feel comfortable enough to share the inner recesses of their very feelings is very important to me – above all, I always want my blog to be a platform that allows people to be as honest as they want – sharing grief can help in the road to recovery and I know the love and support I have gotten from you has helped me. xoxo
Losing a cat is the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I’ve lost plenty of people close to me – all grandparents and both parents. But, none of them compare to the loss of cats. It brings tears to my eyes to even think about losing my two oldest – now 10 years old – Jake and Josie. I adopted them several weeks after I lost my dearest Jewels to cancer. She was 17. My grief for Jewels was almost unbearable and that is when my friend took me to the local shelter to adopt Jake and Josie – not a replacement – but at least to distract me from my grief. Also, who has time to cry when they have 2 kittens destroying their home?
I think the reason we have so much grief when we lose a cat is because we don’t have any negative memories of cats like we do with people. With people, no matter how much we love someone, they still probably did something a little negative at some point in our life.
No matter how painful it is, I think it is better to have experienced that truly unconditional love. You really can’t get that from people.