A Footnote to Cats and How Grieving the Loss of a Pet has Changed as a Result of Social Media
No matter the day or age, this is always me. I love cats and I have always been surrounded by their love and companionship.
Since I am over 50 years old and I have been a cat lover my whole life, clearly I have had to say goodbye to many a beloved pet cat in that time-frame. It is never easy, but years ago when I was regular ole Deb Barnes, a person who was living her life that did not including blogging and social media, the grieving process was very different.
The loss would always hurt, but the pain was very private – I would typically write a special love note to the pet I lost and tuck it with them as a tribute from me to let them know how much I loved them and then the pet would be buried in the yard of wherever I was living at the time. The grieving stayed in a very limited circle – a few close family members and friends would know about the death and I would mourn in my own private world with very little fanfare.
This is my beloved Kit and for those of you that read The Chronicles of Zee & Zoey, you know that she held a very dear spot in my heart. She lived a wonderful life – 18 full years and this windowsill was her favorite spot because she loved to look outside. After she passed, we buried her in the backyard and I still go and visit with her now and then.
Now, because my life is a relative open book (something of my choosing – I am not complaining, but merely pointing out a fact) the grieving process is entirely different. My cats, just like so many other cats that are shared in the social world, have become cherished friends to a multitude of people. Because of that, when Mr. Jazz passed away last year and Harley died last month, you all felt my pain because you care about me and my feline family, and as a result, you showered me with love, support, concern, empathy, and kindness.
While I appreciate the support immensely, as it has helped my healing process and given me the resolve to go on, it also keeps the pain much more visible because social media causes me to constantly relive my loss. There is rarely a day that goes by that someone doesn’t share the news of a beloved pet crossing to the Rainbow Bridge on whatever social platform and it is impossible for me not to be overwhelmed with grief by that news – number one because I am profoundly sad on their behalf, and number two, because it brings my own pain back to the surface.
The same holds true when I write a blog post about my feline family. Because I cannot ignore the fact Jazz and Harley are no longer a part of my physical world, I am no longer able to live in my preferred world of denial… the one where Jazz and Harley really aren’t gone even though deep down I know they are. I have to face reality through my words and when I look for pictures to compliment my posts, I cannot avoid seeing dozens of pictures of them, something that I never had to deal with when I grieved years ago.
This was my first picture of Harley and I back in 2004 when I got her. I never imagined 10 years later that she would be gone…
For me, just like everything else in life, it’s a matter of readjusting my mindset to the new world we live in and I just take it one day at a time, letting my heart haphazardly lead the way. I have no guidelines as to how, why, when, or where I share my grief with you all – I just let it happen as it may. Some people share the news of a pets passing immediately, and for me, when Jazz and Harley passed, it took me several days before I could share the news publicly.
And then all the little things – you will note on my blog that I have a memorial badge prominently displayed on the right hand side in tribute to Mr. Jazz. I put it up relatively quickly after he passed, but I have not been able to do the same for Harley yet. I also have Jazz’s ashes sitting on the top shelve of our TV stand in a pretty wooden box and the same tribute picture graces that box. Harley’s ashes are next to Jazz and her box remains bare. I finally found the wherewithal last weekend to put a silk sunflower next to it, but that is the extent of it. I just can’t deal with the finality of it and the majority of the time I just ignore her box because looking at it causes me too much pain.
My beautiful Mr. Jazz… this picture memorializes the wooden box his ashes are kept in.
And even though I was able to memorialize Jazz on my blog with a badge, I could not do it anywhere else for the longest time. It took me 6 months before I could acknowledge his passing on my Facebook page for Zee and Zoey. I decided out of the blue one day that I needed to put a halo over his banner picture to signify his angel status and now, of course, I will have to do the same for Harley when I am ready. All of these little acts that might seem insignificant in the scheme of things, but they are milestone moments for me because I just can’t treat the process of my grief like something on a “to-do” check off list.
This is the banner for Zee and Zoey’s Facebook page… For the longest time I left it as it was and did not have the heart to put a halo over Jazz’s picture. Now I have to do it for Harley…
In light of all of that, I did take a major step towards healing that took me by surprise. After putting it off for ages, I finally reached out to my blog designer to update Zee and Zoey’s blog footer that was created back in September of 2010 when the blog was launched and featured my original gang of seven. A lot had changed since then and it just came to me one day that I wanted the footer to reflect my life in the present tense. So, if you will please scroll down to the bottom of the blog, you will see my beautiful feline family as it is now (if you don’t see any changes, just refresh your browser).
Harley, Jazz, Zee, Zoey, Peanut, Mia, and Rolz.
You will note that I kept the pictures of the original gang the same as they were in 2010 and then I had halos added for my precious angels, Jazz and Harley. You will also note that best buddies, Kizmet and Jazmine, are standing next to each other. This header is extremely poignant for me – despite the pain and heartache it causes me, there is also so much love and this image just reaffirms how much joy these incredible creatures have brought (and bring) to me. I still am not ready to look at it for too long as it does make me extremely emotional, but I do hope you all like it.
What about all of you – do you find you grieve differently as a result of social media than you did years ago? How do you handle it? Are you affected by seeing the loss of other pets on social venues on a regular basis? Please feel free to share your comments.
Wonderful post Deb. Yes indeed it deeply effects me when I see a passing to the Bridge even if the pet was unknown to us – a loss is a loss and we feel each one. Because we follow so many blogs we experience more loss than we sometimes feel comfortable with – for me, it’s a reminder that Sam is now 14 and taking thyroid medicine and having ambulation issues…..all the signs of age that I’ve watched sneak up on us for the last few years – a reminder that he won’t be here forever as much as I would wish that. I just love your new footer – it’s magic and beautiful and honors the current crew and those that have passed to that even MORE magical place we call the Bridge. I know they are always with us in our hearts but we do so wish they wouldn’t go…..ever.
Hugs, Pam (and Sam)
Pam and Sam – Yes, with all the loss around us everyday, it does serve to remind us our cats are with us for borrowed time and that we have to love and enjoy them every single minute we are blessed to have with them. I wish they never would have to go either…
Poignant description of your grieving process. I too have memorials for each of the cats I have lost. They brought great joy to my life and deep grief and loss in their passing. Your new header is beautiful. I do agree that the Internet has made us grieve for many animals that we otherwise would not have known about.
Thank you Rosemary – I am glad you like the header and that you enjoyed the post.
The footer looks amazing, I love the halos. That was a wonderful idea as I am sure their spirits are nearby. I haven’t been blogging long and it breaks my heart every time I read about another cat passing away. It also does bring up memories of mine that have passed, but I guess that is a good thing as they have all left pawprints on my heart.
Thank you Ellen – I am glad you like the halos… they do bring me a bit of peace and comfort even though it also makes me sad. All the best with your blogging!
Great post. Blogger cats we read daily or weekly become part of our circle of acquaintances, some become even furriends, and it’s always a heartbreak when one of them passes away. Purrs
It is a heartbreak no matter the circumstances Swiss Cats.
Thank you for letting all this find words. Being ‘over 50″ as well, I am reminded of our angels often and feel the pangs both bitter and sweet. I feel our “family” is extended to our blogging friends, and I do definitely feel, often more deeply than I exepect at the loss of a beloved companion.
For me, the hardest part is that the internet doesn’t allow me to reach out and give that true, deep, hug that I feel. The one where you just hold someone who is grieving in the moment in love, compassion and understanding. The hug where no words are necessary. Sending them via electronic packets just doesn’t quite cut it, but I do it anyway, because love never hurts.
I am grateful to think now that when it is time for one of my fur family to take the trip, that I will have more than just the family and close friends who really get the grief I’m sure we’ll feel. It’s hard to grieve, but it’s hard not to feel he buzz and hum of a blogosphere of cats and their companions purring their love and support across the interwebs. I’m sure it will help.
Cherry City Kitties – I hear what you are saying – we all try as best we can to express our sympathy with words, but sometimes it just doesn’t seem enough. A deep hug is a wonderful thing, but I think we all know the intent is there when someone takes the time to offer condolences.
When I first began blogging in 2005, I never considered remotely the concept of losing a beloved family member. Whether my own or someone I began to know and know well. In the daily world of blogging, or FB, or Twitter or any other form of social media nowadays the cats and other animals we follow become an extended circle of friends. You get to know them so well. I didn’t consider it at all back in 2005 but I consider it now and I look at the world through different eyes since I lost my beloved heart and soul kitty, Abby on August 12, 2013. My world, as melodramatic as it may sound is divided by that date for so many personal reasons. I have always had deep sadness over the losses that keep mounting but since I lost Abby and Gracie 6 months later the way Grief feels has touched me deeply for my own losses and any other I know. It’s nearly a daily thing, and sometimes simply overwhelming. Your blog is always beautiful but I understand the symbolism and why it is so important to you. The footer is dramatic and powerful and moving.
Angel AbbyGrace – I know what you mean… my life also seems to have been forever marked by the loss of Jazz, and now Harley. It can be extremely overwhelming and sometimes I can’t even comment on facebook or other blogs when someone else has lost a pet. It’s not that I don’t care, I do, its just that the pain nearly cripples me sometimes. My heart is with you… xoxo
Deb, I’ve thought about this a lot lately. So many cyber friends and their losses….so many people in pain. The internet makes it so much bigger than ever before. And as you know, there are those people we meet via the internet that we feel as close to as our closest “real life” friend so yes, the pain on both sides of that computer monitor is real. I will be there for the loss of a friend’s person or pet…and will offer sincere condolences. It’s the constant “I have a hang nail today” that I find irritating and tend to ignore. When I lost my brother having the “virtual support” was very helpful. I could take it and digest it as I needed to…unlike when you are dealing with a person face to face. So in that aspect I actually think it’s better (for me).
Just like everything else life deals us….good and bad, we will find a way to muddle through it. Hopefully it helps, even just a little, that we have each other.
Toni – everything about the world today is larger than life because it is so instantaneous and in some ways, the magnitude of it all almost becomes wallpaper background. I am always amazed that I can be doing something as simple as eating dinner, while watching war and strife happening in real time on the television. You almost become numb to it all. As far as my cyber friends, I cherish them so much and they provide me with love, comfort, compassion, and a welcome shoulder to cry on!
I think that is the trick of it – digesting it as you need it. When I have had too much, I just step away from it all and go find a good book to read or an afghan to crochet!
All those little things like the halos are just part of the grieving process and you do them as and when you feel ready and not before.and those Beautiful cats Harley and Jazz are not really gone only their physical being has passed the rest is still with you in your memories and your heart,and some times when you turn to look at one of your other babies and see them looking at something the you can not see be comforted that all your babies are right there with you at that time and when your turn comes you will see them again.so those little things don’t feel you have to do them before you are ready,we are all with you went ever you want us as we all know and feel your pain,yes it is different when you are a blogger but you can still work through your grief at your own pace.
When I see my blogging friends loss their fur baby I cry with them too and when I relived Caramels passing with you so you could understand that I felt your loss with you yes I cried my Eyes out while I was typing even though that was 12 years ago but its good to reach to good people such as you like this and share with you.Be well Debs. xx Rachel and Speedy
Speedy – thank you for your heartfelt comment. I too cried my eyes out when you shared your memory of Caramels passing and even though it hurt, they were tears of a shared friendship and kinship between you and I, even though we don’t really even know one another. There is something comforting about knowing that someone else understands the pain of what you are going through. xoxoxo
I feel the same way if I see someone else post that they loss someone. I shared my losses on FB too and it helped me get through it. I didn’t feel like I was so alone. It’s hard sometimes. It sure does bring back memories. Your new header is beautiful. I like that you kept your kitties on there and gave them Halos. Sending you a big hug and much love.
Thank you for your hug and love Sue – I appreciate it. I also shared my loss on FB and it was incredible how many people reached out with love and support. It really reinforces what a great community of cat (and animal) loving friends we have.
Though I have not lost a pet since my venture into the life of social media, I can imagine how hard it must be to have your loss so present and visible, again and again. The love and support of friends we may not have ever met in person is both remarkable and moving. My heart aches and I cry with those that lose their beloved cats. But I do think there’s a large piece of grief that no matter what is very private and personal.
(((purrs))) to you Deb… Even before social media, I think one of the hardest parts of grieving is the passage of time… when you are still hurting and the loss is raw, but the world has moved on.
xo,
GG
Glogirly – yes, having the love and support of people I have never met is overwhelming sometimes and I am astounded by the level of compassion and concern I am given. I appreciate it so much, that people are able to open up their hearts with such kindness, and I know that it is because we all can relate on such a universally deep level, what the loss of a beloved pet feels like. xoxo
When someone loses a furry family member it just tears us up as we have been there way too many times. We would never trade the memories.
Brian – I can only imagine how hard it is for you – you have been through it a lot yourself as well as through the many friends you have made over the Internet. I am so glad we all have one another to help us get through the grieving.
Oh Deb, this post touched me so deeply. I had never thought about how we grieve differently now…when I lost my Bobo in 2007 I didn’t have a blog, like you, my grief was private. You shared your feelings so beautifully and eloquently (as always). You gave us so much to ponder. I ADORE your footer and am happy you included your Angels….they SHOULD be there. Thank you for always writing so beautifully and for always giving us something to ponder. ((((hugs))))
Caren – I am glad I gave you and others something to ponder. I typically feel that if I am thinking, or questioning something, that probably others are too and I like being able to provide a platform for conversation. This subject has been weighing on my mind lately and I just found myself needing to write about it! xoxo
I lost my precious Roy this past tue. Reading of your grief previous to this loss and again today—like you said, in some ways it reenforces the lost but also there seems to be surrounding aura of kinship maybe? Or a feeling that there are others out there that understand your grief and sadness.
Love your work! Just finished reading “The Chronicles” and eally enjoyed every page.
Jane – yes, while there is pain, the kinship of others can actually be very reassuring and comforting and I know exactly what you mean. I am so happy you enjoy my work and I am especially thrilled you enjoyed the Chronicles!!
I feel your pain. We all grieve differently. The picture of you with Harley as a kitten almost brought me to tears. Luckily whenever I have lost a pet. I always had friend/family to help me get through it
Dakotah…that picture of Harley is so precious to me! I am glad you have family and friends to help you whenever you have had to grieve… it really does help with the pain.
We think it is twofold…..the loss may seem more present but you also have a treasure trove of memories out there to remind you of their life and pictures galore. And while we grieve with friends we can also share joys.
And the footer is lovely!!
Deb, I’m glad you wrote this post. I have asked myself the very same question, wondering if my pain is made more intense by the very sharing of it, or would I have been better off, as I have in the past, of just having the news of a beloved pet’s passing shared closer to home. One of the things that makes the grief deeper and longer lasting is all of the photos, prompted by the anticipation of sharing, at least for me. I never took so many of my babies as I do now. I love their quiet moments as well as their playfulness and those photos are in folders, on disks galore and printed out, and that refreshes the grief daily. My first Maine Coon, the first Tom, I didn’t have as many pictures of him and he wasn’t as well known. Shared more was the recent Tom, lost a year ago in July. Since I was closer to him and his friends knew him better, the reaction, along with my own, to his sudden passing just about did me in.
It tears me up so much when I see other kitties we have come to know get sick or have to go to the Bridge. We know how much it hurts, and, depending on the circumstances, the grief can turn into actual physical pain. I truly believe when they say the cat’s emotional psyche is the closest to the human. Otherwise, what would explain the deep bond we all have with them? All in all, in spite of the pain, they bless us with both an emotional and I would add, a spiritual connection. It’s the emotional that hurts; it’s the spiritual that keeps us going. <3
i have found that as i get older, i find that it takes longer and is harder to get past the loss of a beloved cat. i love my dogs (past and present) but do not have the same connection to them as i have with my cats. I agree with church cat kitties that it is the spiritual (relationship) that keeps us going.
since yuki’s passing, i haven’t wanted to post on my blog. i have tried and tried to be upbeat but it is not in my heart. perhaps one day it will be again. i did enjoy posting/sharing but it is not in my heart now.
Deb, your article expresses what many of us “crazy cat ladies” feel. Thank you.
Moms busy… I am glad I was able to help express what you have been feeling and I hope the post brought you some comfort knowing you are among like-minded people! As you well know, only the heart has the answers to what makes sense and if you are not ready for blogging, then so be it.
Church Cat Kitties – I am with you – the pictures are so, so painful and I find that I have to almost put up a wall of armor when I look at them – I skirt past them – my eyes see them, but I don’t let them sink into my heart. I know down the road I will be eternally grateful I have the photos and that they will bring me joy, peace, and comfort to look at. Right now, it is just too hard. I am finally able to look at Jazz without as much pain, but Harley, no, just not ready.
And you are so right about the emotional/spiritual connection. xoxo
Love the footer!
Deb, you’ve written what many of us also feel. Social media can be a two-edged sword when you lose a precious furbaby. On one hand, you have many who understand what you are going through and can provide the emotional support that you need. But on the other, it opens you up to re-living the pain every time you see that someone else’s furbaby has gone. I’ve cried many times over the loss others, like you, have experienced. It’s like losing one of my own.
Island Cat Mom
Yes, I agree Island Cats. I think part of the issue is that lately it just seems to be too many… Too many pets are crossing the to the Bridge. It just didn’t seem as prevelant before, but I suppose it has always been this way and I am just more aware now…
Deb, living online, means grieving online and I’ve found it, like you to be a double-edged sword. There’s the support from people we’ve never met but pressure to make public decisions when we’re feeling raw and private. Decisions of what to blog and when, what to do with a banner like your lovely choice, or how to memorialize. I added a halo to Gris Gris in my banner and then wondered if I should have added Coco. She had an online presence at my other blog but died before Cat Wisdom 101. Every choice is personal and I send (hugs) as we continue on our grieving journeys.
So very true Layla and despite how it might seem, I actually don’t feel any pressure about how or when to blog about my grief. Thankfully I know that my supporters will be there for me however and whenever I need them and that is the beauty of it all. And as far as the raw and private parts, no matter how much I am willing to share, a part of me always remains true to only my heart. Thank you for your hugs – I always appreciate them!