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<\/a>Zee’s urn is front and center and one day will have his picture on it, too.<\/p><\/div>\n
I\u2019m still in a fog of denial. We have his wooden urn sitting on the shelf of our armoire, residing among our other angels: Bailey, Kit, Bandit, Jazz, and Harley. There is a lovely card from the vet\u2019s office \u2013 Zee\u2019s beautiful paw print emblazoned on it, with touching and heartfelt signed messages from the office staff. After all, Zee had become like family to them, too. One day I will get a frame for it. Something appropriately kitty-related so as to acknowledge the beauty, and one day I will put a picture of Zee on his resting container as I did for Jazz and Harley.<\/p>\n
But right now, that\u2019s just too big a burden. I scroll through the hundreds of images I have of him, looking for the right one, but my brain glosses over them as if that\u2019s not even my cat, despite him being in my life for nearly sixteen years. If I really focus on the pictures, then I must truly acknowledge he\u2019s gone. I can\u2019t do that right now. I can\u2019t put an angel halo over his head on this blog\u2019s banner, or Zee & Zoey\u2019s Facebook page, and I still acknowledge having eight cats in emails and conversations, when I actually have seven now.<\/p>\n
And sometimes when I feed the others, I automatically bring out his special bowl, too. Then I remember. Oh yeah, he\u2019s not here anymore.<\/em> And then there’s the constant battle I have with the behavioral and territorial challenges of a multicat home, where somewhere along the way, things changed with the dynamic. A dynamic I\u2019d always previously been able to manage with little problems. But lately, spraying has become a habit with them, leaving me with the unpleasant task of having to deal with wherever they leave their mark. I pick up a paper towel to clean and pause. It\u2019s not you, Zee. Not this time.<\/em><\/p>\n And lest you wonder, I can assure you I\u2019ve done it all. Bring the cats to the vet for an exam \u2013 check. Spayed and neutered \u2013 check. Feliway calming spray – check. Change the diet \u2013 check. Engage in more playtime and exercise \u2013 check. Invest in more cat toys, cat condos, and cat-enriching items \u2013 check. Buy every odor-eliminating, and or spray\/deterrent product on the market to detract from spraying \u2013 check. I could go on, but it\u2019s become a book that I would never want to publish because I want to see all cats adopted into loving, forever homes and this story is not one that would necessarily get glowing reviews from potential guardians. \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n That said, it\u2019s my furry gang, and I love them. You just get used to it and strategize with an arsenal of items and solutions. Aluminum foil and plastic mats with detractor spikes to stop them from going to certain places and shut doors to rooms with carpet, for example. And honestly, I would give anything just to have Zee lift his quivering tail one more time. That little face of his, looking at me when I\u2019d clean up his mark, wondering with his wide eyes, why I seemed frazzled. Yes, I’d gladly pick up a paper towel again.<\/em><\/p>\n I just miss him so much and I’m having a hard time settling into how to reconcile he is no longer here. I think this post was my attempt to get some of my feelings out. I had not planned on writing it at all – typically my posts have a rhyme or reason – but the thoughts came to me, almost rendering me helpless, other than to let the words flow. Between losing him, work demands, and everyday life,\u00a0 I’m just so tired. And stressed. And overwhelmed. I’m crying now, too. But I think I needed the cry to help me cope. It’s not healthy to keep grief bottled up, so writing it is. One day at a time, Zee. One day at a time.<\/p>\n